I am so insecure... You know, I don't understand myself sometimes... I want to have faith in people and I want to believe that I can be cared about and loved.. But it's so hard for me to get that... I just can't get it.. Why me? What makes me so deserving of someones love and affection? I don't want to be this way .. I wished that I was more like Mel when I get like this.. She doesn't care what people think about her.. She doesn't care to be judged by others and I envy that.. Damn, I come with to much baggage... Maybe that's why... I am so afraid to let someone get to know me.. KNOW ME... Afraid that they will just get tired of me and throw me away like everyone else does...

I am NOT wanting pity or sympathy.. This is my own fault.. Something that I have to work through on my own... My own insecurities do me so much damage and then I start becoming distant to everyone around me... I push everyone away.... I shut down... I'm cold... More and more each time... And I have people in my life right now that I don't want to do that to.. But I feel like it's inevitable... I know that only I can change it.... I want to... and I will.... It's just hard.. Every time I start getting positive, something happens and it makes me think "Why even try?" What's it worth? Is it going to be worth it in the end? Or am I just being fooled? Paranoia... It will kill you..